Am I ready to own my life?

DDP Yoga - "It ain't your momma's yoga"

For Christmas Julie got me DDP Yoga. I haven't started the program yet. I'm a huge procrastinator, and in a brilliant show of irony, I am self conscious about my appearance. So, rather than leap into something proven to be a positive for my health and mindset, I fall back on the fears I'll look like a total moron trying to do this stuff. The thing is, most people look like a moron when they start this type of stuff. Hey, at least I'm not delusional.

On the bright side I have started trying to eat better. It is hard with a tight budget. Why is eating healthy so damned expensive? If I had my way I'd go vegan. Too hard to do in a house of meat-eaters though, and I'm not entirely sure my want is all about health or an inner hatred of how the food industry supplies most of our meat or what it means by eating something that once lived. This is another post entirely though...

Anyway, I'm not going to wax philosophic on my issues at this point due to lack of time. We're taking our new puppy to a "puppy class," and because it's me, I found myself struck by a need to write. Yep. Vintage me.

The short of this is I am starting this fucking program tomorrow regardless if I lose sleep in order to get up in the morning, or wake everyone else up with my alarm, or look like a total fool while I try to figure out how to get started with it. It's time and I'm tired of waiting and I'm tired of feeling less-than with all these issues. Plus I want to do that leg hold thing.

Part of my OCD is starting things. Most think my indecision about various things is just me being wishy-washy or not caring or whatever else, but this quirk and condition comes from my brain wiring. Having options means having various outcomes, which means a possibility for mistakes or failure. Even beginning something is an option - to start or not to start? Once involved with whatever it is, from cleaning the house to watching a series, I relax and everything flows nicely, even if things take a turn for the worst. Granted, I have to do it a "certain way," as patterns and order is part of it too, but starting is the big hurdle. It's strange how it all works. Maybe one day I'll devote an entry to it.

Here's to starting things... Tomorrow.


Talk about a short, rambling bit of nonsense...

::: EDIT :::

So I feel like a total piece of crap. I posted this entry earlier and meant every word of it, especially the part about wanting to do the leg holding thing, and then we left home. No, going to puppy class hasn't caused my resolve to crumble (there's a horrible joke about food there I'm not touching out of respect and cowardice) and I didn't get mugged by a gang in yoga pants, but I did go get carryout from McDonalds which is tantamount to Gandalf joining the Ringwraiths when talking about becoming healthier.

Yeah, I know. We got free coupons in the mail and we're poor. It's just a sucky situation all the way around. I'm not angry about it. I mean, it is what it is, and no one twisted my arm and said, "Get a Big Mac or I'll rip your balls out!" It's just I wrote this thing above, then ate that, and there's the business I forgot about starting in earnest.

What? Oh... Right.

See, me and Julie, my beloved wife, are doing this together. We want the full experience, so we joined the DDP Yoga community and we plan on doing the taking measurements, pictures, weighing yourself, etc in order to keep ourselves motivated and have access to the community. Not owning a scale, I'll have to wait until next weekend so I can use the one at the dialysis clinic my wife attends, assuming they will allow me. Also, we haven't taken the time yet to do all the other stuff. It's been a hectic last few weeks...

So, even though I'm eating crap and putting off "officially" starting the program, I will be starting to experiment with it tomorrow morning, getting a feel for my new mat (another Christmas gift) and learning the basic starting poses. That's good, right?

AND, just so you know I'm not a complete failure, I have changed my diet during the week for work. Gone are the salty snacks and junk food, replaced by carrots and raisins, a salad, and a low-calorie sandwich with water to drink. I ADORE my work lunches now. I just need to start eating better for breakfast. I've spent most of my life ignoring the first meal of the day, but that's a bad thing to do. The last few days I've made myself a whole wheat English muffin with peanut butter and raisins. Anyway, I'll dedicate another entry at a later date to my eating habits.

Now if I could just figure out how to stay hydrated without drinking water nonstop ALL THE TIME... Seriously.